Waking up in an empty bed knowing my wife and new baby where still in hospital left me feeling guilty.
I was really grateful for a peaceful night sleep but I knew that the night in hospital would have been scary, lonely and overwhelming for my wife...I mean she had just given birth, had lost a load of blood, was not very mobile and was in tremendous pain.
Plus she had to look after her first baby, work out how to feed her, attempt to try and rest...I definitely got the good end of that bargain.
As I rushed to get back to the ward, I couldn't help but wonder what this whole thing was really going to be like. The hard part was done...surely what we just experienced could not be topped.
Ermmm
It was time to take Orla home. We got the standard picture of me carrying her out of the hospital and the slowest walk in history, to the car, began.
Being a new dad meant I had no idea how robust babies are. In my head, she may as well have been made of brittle glass...I was treating her so carefully.
Turns out, actually babies are much more hardy than I'd ever imagined.
Upon getting home, we had visitors right away. My wife's sisters and parents came to the house to properly meet Orla and help us out.
To say I was grateful is an understatement. They all had kids so knew what they were doing. They kindly offered to hold Orla, make us some tea, change her nappy and make us food. They even helped to milk some colostrum from my wife's boobs using a tiny syringe.
Everyone was really kind and to be honest....I had no idea how much I needed that support until they all left.
Sitting in our lounge whilst Orla slept was like being in a silent movie. Our first few days were essentially sitting, with no noise, just waiting for Orla to do something.
I didn't want to breath too loudly, didn't want to move around. We couldn't watch TV because babies are much easier when they are asleep. When they cry and you have no idea what is going in...it's really quite distressing.
I knew I was on borrowed time. My paternity leave was only for a couple of weeks and my wife was in serious discomfort from the birth which would last for weeks after.
I knew my role.
I had to be dad and husband. Chris could take a back seat for a while.
I tried to do everything I could to make it easier for my wife. I really fought hard to keep all my emotions in check, nothing was too much trouble. After all, physically, I was fine and my wife wasn't so lucky.
The first few nights where actually ok. Orla slept pretty well, wasn't too dramatic and it absolutely lured us in to a false sense of security.
She slept on my side of the bed in our next-to-me due to the layout of our bedroom. I offered to swap sides with my wife but she insisted that she stay on her side as my side of the bed was not to her liking. To be fair, she did offer to have Orla on her side but she was physically able to pick Orla up in the nearly weeks as she continued her recovery from birth.
So when Orla woke up, my job was to pick her up, pass her to my wife and then lay perfectly still for as long as it took to get Orla back to sleep.
Babies have no concept of day and night in the early weeks. That is really bloody irritating. We would be sat in bed till all sorts of stupid hours just hoping she stayed asleep.
I remember a specific night in the first few weeks which was the toughest night of my life (more so than the birth).
Orla wouldn't stop crying, my wife was exhausted and in so much pain. I was exhausted and didn't know what to do.
I had been rocking her in my arms for what felt like an eternity. My shoulders were on fire and my legs felt like jelly. Orla wouldn't let me sit down without crying so I had to keep on the move around the bedroom.
I was doing my utmost to sooth Orla so my wife could sleep. But she wouldn't stop crying.
After an hour of up and down the bedroom, she had to go back on the boob and nothing else would settle her. I felt like I had failed and just couldn't do it.
I walked into our ensuite and just stood looking in the mirror. As tears rolled down my face, I distinctly remember thinking I never knew how tough this was going to be. I just did not feel like I was prepared to be a dad. I want this to stop.
I always wanted to be a dad but the amount of irrational thoughts that run through your head in the depth of the morning when you are exhausted are scary. But I have learned that they pass. Things do get easier.
Even if, in that moment in time, it feels like the ride is never going to end, you get through the hard nights and try again tomorrow.
After a few minutes, I had no choice but to go back into the bedroom. My wife asked me if I was ok.
"Yeah I am fine my love. Just tired but I know you are too"
I was lying. I was not fine.
But I knew I had exactly 1 option...get on with it. Get through that night and then tackle tomorrow when it comes.
There was nothing pleasant or enjoyable about the first weeks as a dad for me and I am aware that I sound quite brutal.
But as my wife says to me- facts are facts.
Survival mode had kicked in and it would be that way for a while to come.
Key Learnings
Accept the support when it is offered- there is nothing helpful about pride in situations like this. Lots of people will want to offer support- cook you meals, pop in for a tea for a cuddle with the baby etc. Accept all the help you can get in the early weeks as its all a bit of a mess
Babies are gonna baby- there is very little point in taking a baby crying at you personally. I was not doing anything wrong. Don't blame yourself for babies just doing what they do.
Get through each day and night. 1 at a time- whilst being in it feels like it is never going to end, you just need to get through each day and night as it comes. I actually started planning my days on just getting to the next nap. It makes it much more manageable when there does not seem to be a way out.