Should it be love at first sight?

Like most people, trips to hospital are not exactly my favourite thing to do.

Going to a hospital to have a scan for your unborn baby, to check everything is on track, there are no issues and everything is fine...is really uncomfortable.

The typical milestones for scans are 12 weeks and 20 weeks with mid wife appointments built in around them to listen to the heart beat, have your wife wee on a stick and measure the size of the bump.

I remember going to the hospital, in a world that still had COVID running rife, and sitting waiting to be called in to have our 12 week scan. I distinctly remember thinking that if they give us bad news then I have to be strong for my wife and I can't let her down.

The scan process is wild. My wife jumped up on the bed, the midwife doing the scan tried to make small talk, I am sat next to the bed looking at the screen trying to hold it together....and then all of sudden I try to become an expert in scans.

They try to get pictures of the organs, they measure the lengths between the shadows on the screen and everything she is doing, I am looking and thinking, that doesn't look right, there is something missing or our baby isn't growing properly. It is literally just a load of shadows on a screen...I have no idea what I was looking at.

There is also a check at this stage for things such as Downs Syndrome. The conversation around the potential outcome of this test is really not pleasant but an important one to have.

All seemed well with the first scan and now it was just a case of waiting until the 20 week point to see if we were having a boy or a girl.

Boy or a girl?

Did I want to know the sex? Absolutely. Did I prefer a boy or a girl? This is a tough question to answer when people ask you and it almost always ends with 'as long as they are healthy'

Truth is...I wanted a boy. Those day dreams I mentioned in a previous blog very much included me with a son, showing him how to be a man, teaching him how to navigate life. Also I am the only boy Britton in my family so the future of the name kind of rests with me.

Orla, my daughter, is a girl and girls are great obviously. But when we found out we were having a girl, I wouldn't say I was disappointed but I would of preferred a boy...simple really.

Now the question is, will we try for another baby and run the risk of doing a Henry VIII until I get a boy? At this specific moment in time, absolutely not. One is plenty.

The 20 week scan was all looking normal and healthy. Everything was going to plan, she was growing nicely, and we could relax a little.

Or so we thought.

The midwife appointments sandwiched in between the scans are a much more manual process. No fancy machinery in sight. The use of a tape measure which was probably bought in B&Q to measure the size of the bump always seemed a little odd to me.

Then the midwife said it..."I am measuring the bump as smaller than it should be be at the stage. I am going to arrange an emergency scan for you ...but don't worry"

Don't worry? When someone says this, is there any other reaction other than to worry!?

My brain went into overdrive and my Google search history suddenly became much more serious. Was our baby not growing properly? What does this mean? Have we done something wrong?

Google is the worst...baby isn't growing properly? It's going to have to be delivered straight away and chances of survival are low. Thanks Google.

We went to the hospital the very same day and the journey there was done in silence. Neither me or my wife knew what to say or what to think.

Our baby wasn't going to make it.

We walked into the scan room and after what seemed like an lifetime of waiting...the scan operator took one look at my wife and said,

"you don't look small to me, I have no idea why you are here"

The sense of relief was ridiculous and the sense of frustration was palpable. I get that the midwife has to operate within certain parameters and it is 100% better to be safe than sorry...but this manual process of sticking a tape measure around the bump is surely flawed.

It is impacted by so many things including the fact my wife is quite small as a person. There must be a better way to do this?

The emergency scan showed the baby was bang on the growth expected....at our next midwife appointment, out comes the tape measure and the same thing happened again...."I am measuring small so I am going to book you in for an emergency scan...but don't worry"

We tried saying that we have been for a scan already and everything was fine but the midwife said she doesn't have a choice. We were not as concerned about this one and it was nice to actually get some free additional scans.

At every midwife appointment we listened to the heart beat. Just a little point on hearing the heart beat for the first time. They use this little machine and manoeuvre it around on the bump until they find it and then count the beats to see if it sounds normal.

I am not sure how I was supposed to feel about hearing it for the first time. I remember reading stuff about Dads bursting into tears at hearing the sound and it being a really magical moment...I guess I just thought...oh ok, that's cool.

My wife asked me on several occasions (seeing the scans, hearing the heart beat, feeling her move) if I was crying..the answer was always...no- should I be?

The disconnection between how I was feeling and how I thought I was suppose to feel would run all the way up to and beyond the birth. I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong with me.

Why didn't I feel that instant flutter of love at seeing the scan or hearing the heart beat. I didn't feel it when she was born or for some time after. That is to be discussed in a later blog but my point here is, all feelings are valid. It's fine to feel how you feel, don't stress about what you think should be happening...I was going through a huge life transformation- it is ok to not know how to feel or to not feel at all.

Key learnings

Stay off Dr Google...there is nothing good that has come from me Googling anything about my baby. There is so much conflicting information and you see what you want to see. Being informed is good, drawing your own conclusions from a couple of articles...not so much

Support each other when there is uncertainty...if your mind wonders to the worst case scenario, chances are so has your partners. Silence isn't helpful, talk about how you are feeling and comfort each other. You are experiencing it at the same time.

How you feel is how you feel...don't put pressure on yourself to think or feel a certain way. Everything is new and changing around you. Being confused, apathetic, worried or any combination of feelings is normal I think. This doesn't mean you are broken or don't love you child...it means you are human and working through the change.