15th September 2017
This was the first time I met my wife. We found each other through an online dating app.
I was 30, she was 27 and I think it's fair to say that I was never the type of guy to meet people in bars or clubs. I was always too frightened of rejection.
The fateful app which brought us together was Bumble. The one where the girl has to make the first move. At least by being on that particular app I knew my first move wouldn't be rejected as it wasn't me making it.
We hit it off right away and spent several hours in a pub in Brighton coming up with all the words we could think off to describe the downstairs area of boys and girls. This was the level of maturity I could get on board with.
As well as being beautiful, she made me laugh.
I have a very dry and dark sense of humour and don't laugh very hard, very often. But she knew how to do it.
She was a keeper.
Maybe because I was the wrong side of 30, maybe because I am impatient or maybe because I just knew, but just over a year later I proposed, we moved into together and we were off to the races.
We talked about kids quite early on and her number was 4. I quickly shut that down and settled on a max of 2.
We both wanted to be parents but we also both wanted to enjoy each other and life.
Her family in particular would often be horrified at how much affection we showed each other. What could I say...I loved her deeply.
When we found out Orla was on the way, part of me wondered how this would change us?
Neither of us had any experience in this area so we would be learning together.
During the pregnancy itself, my wife was anxious at various stages and I completely understand why. We had dodgy midwife measurements, additional growth scans, NCT classes which put the fear of God into you and the dreaded What If questions.
What if- such a small but profoundly dangerous duo of words.
I'v written previously about feeling like a spare part in the early days and just doing what I could to support my wife.
Often I felt, at the sacrifice of my own mental health.
In the early hours of the morning, when little sleep has been had, tempers are bubbling and the baby wont stop crying....this is the real test of your dynamic with your other half.
We have always said we should never go to bed on an argument...and the truth is, we would very rarely actually argue.
But there is something about sleep deprivation, frustration, sore backs, sore boobs, constant nappy changes and the dark which really raises the temperature.
Loose language was common, snappy comments were frequent and comparing each others experience was inevitable.
In the cold light of day we put an agreement in place. Anything said between midnight and 6am didn't count. Forget it, it's not personal...move on.
At times I felt like I was grieving for my previous life and the change was difficult to accept.
As Orla got older, her sleep got better, her personality formed and I could do more with her that wasn't just changing a nappy.
Sometimes Orla wants to come to me, sometimes she wants to go to mummy. She is quite fickle really. Whoever is showing her the most interest at that moment in time is the favourite.
We have had some conversations about her being a daddy's girl or a mummy girl. Reality is, she is just a baby who wants to be played with.
I started to reflect on my feelings towards my wife.
In my little world, we had changed so much.
My love, admiration and respect for this woman has grown more than I could of imagined.
We are no longer the immature couple who spend hours coming up with songs for our country and western infused rap album.
We are no longer that sickly affectionate husband and wife who can't stop telling people how much we love each other.
We are no longer just a couple.
We are now so much more.
So what have I learned
Becoming a parent will absolutely change your relationship with your partner. That's ok. Grieving the change is a normal thing to do. But like any big change- ride the wave until its ok again.
In the darkest of days, don't take anything said personally. Everyone is experiencing change...mum, dad and the baby. Having empathy for the other person is healthy but don't forget to acknowledge your own feelings
If it's meant to be, and you are with your partner for life, your relationship changes with a baby. But that isn't bad. It's stronger, deeper and more connected than ever before. That's something to celebrate.